Frequently, as we are letting go, and our attractiveness increases, a partner who has left will make contact. If we rush back in, we will lose the progress that we are making towards our own inner peace and healing. Giving ourselves space for our own healing is part of loving ourself, as is keeping safe if our partner is violent and/or addicted. Being able to enjoy connection without putting our needs or blame on a partner, or manipulating to get him/her back, is a part of our letting go and healing process. This is described fully in The Stages of Letting Go, and it is recommended that you read both.
Holding on to the Pain or Letting Go for the Future
Learning the difference between holding on and letting go can be difficult. We described this as a butterfly resting in your palm in Letting Go To Move Forward.
Here is a very simple Exercise to help your understanding.
The Letting Go Exercise
- Take a pen and hold it in your hand.
- Make a fist, with your palm downwards and and hold onto the pen.
- When you open your hand, the pen will drop.
- Now make your fist, holding onto the pen with your palm upwards.
- Now as you open your hand and fingers, the pen stays on the palm of your hand, but you are not holding onto it.
How does this exercise relate to letting go?
This is an example of not losing something by dropping it, but by releasing your hold on it. It is allowed to be free and can choose whether it stays or goes. That may be scarey for us, but we can’t keep holding onto the pen.
How do you feel as you do this exercise? What insights does it give you into your attitude to holding on?
If S/he Contacts You
No one can tell you how to live your life or relationship, so these notes are suggestions, points to consider at what can be a confusing time.
Stop Contacting Them
When we are letting go, it is important that we stop contacting him/her. Our neediness will try and take from this person, even though we may appear to be giving to them. We may have taken a role as rescuer to our partner and be wanting to tell them what they can do … but that is holding on with false expectations. We are trying to change them to get our needs met. Calling to blame, takes us straight out of our letting go process as we discussed in The Stages of Letting Go. Constantly calling them will not improve things.
They Call
If they make contact, keep connected to the conversation and enjoy the contact and connection, but remain as detached as possible from wanting a particular outcome. Let go and make sure you are centred on your own life at the end of the call. This includes not telling other people that they called and the details of the conversation;-) If we do this, it is important to realise we have gone off of our centre again. Our life has become about his/her life and actions again.
They Arrange a Meeting
Agreeing to meet in a public place is best for this. This is another challenge. Our success lies in remaining unattached but connected, and enjoying ourselves. It’s important that we understand that withdrawing or pulling back ISN’T being detached. We are sharing our connectedness, without expecting to get anything in return.
If we become demanding, they will pull away and we will feel bad, and will have to start all over again with our letting go process.
Future Meetings
Enjoy your time together, but remain unattached to the outcome, wanting it to work out ‘our way’. If we keep letting go of any attachment around what might happen, we will see what is true for our relationship. Continuing our letting go process is opening us to being available for a true relationship, and being able to recognise what is true love.
The Triangle Trap
If they have another partner, this is a trap that prevents true love and intimacy. It is a big challenge if they want to be with you as well. Don’t agree to a triangle relationship. It can only create more pain for those involved. Keep letting go.
Likewise, if you are making a choice between two people, this is another trap that you needn’t fall into. Continue to let go of both and commit to the truth, and to your next step. Be unattached to the outcome. When you reach your true perspective, having truly let go, you will know what is true for you. You may find that your true partner has stepped up, or even that you meet a truer partner, who has all the qualities fo true partnership.
Having let go of your pain and attachments, you will have found your inner peace and serenity. You will be well on your way to a life of choice rather than repeating the patterns of the past without awareness.
Further Resources:
Robin Norwood’s book, Women Who Love Too Much, will help you to be more focussed on your own life, where your partner’s life and habits have become your focus. This is particularly important in relationships that include addiction and abuse.
Master Trainer Jeff Allen and I have written more deeply on the whole process of letting go in the contexts of our whole life transformation in The Power of Letting Go: Chapter 10 of Life Manual. Although normally we recommend that people take the whole course, I have seen people transform their relationships using the exercises and insights here, so I am confident that it will help you.
In February Jeff Allen will be answering your questions on Letting Go. Please send your questions to me – email below.
I wish you well on your healing journey. I love receiving your feedback and improvements. Please comment below or by email to christine@wisewomenonline.net
Link to The Stages of Letting Go ………Return to Wise Women Online Magazine Page
[...] However, in a case where your partner has already left, to keep calling them will only delay your healing, and keep you holding on. It can also be difficult to know how to handle a separated partner making contact while you are letting go. Some suggestions to consider, based on Jeff’s guidance in Life Manual, are published as If S/he Contacts You. [...]