Wounded Relationships

For some women and men, pain is the primary emotion experienced in their relationship, and yet letting go is very difficult, if not  impossible.  Changing or rescuing their partner has become the centre of their life focus. They can’t live with and can’t live without their partner. They may have lost the ability to put any attention on their own life and needs, and if they have children, their wellbeing is seriously affected.

Robin Norwood published Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He Will Change, identifying this pattern in 1985.  In 2008 edition she points out that we are living in a very changed world. Although we no longer accept family violence as Ok, a natural aspect of life, there are still many people living in painful relationships, believing that it will all be ok when he or she changes. We have brought relationship patterns out of our childhoods and often chosen a partner that mirrors that past. (See also Wounded Women on Wise Women Site)

The Pattern of ‘Loving Too Much’

Changing this pattern is very important, for ultimately the cost on our lives and the lives of our children can be very high, even fatal.

Psychiatrist Dr Schwartz in a review of Robin’s book writes:

… these women are seeking the love that eluded them when they were children. In each case she (Norwood) cites, either one or both parents were unavailable to them. The unavailability may have been due parental personality problems, alcoholism and drug abuse, domestic violence or any number of other problems that interfered with parenting.

In a way, what Norwood is describing is an example of the old saying that, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” And, so, the pattern is set during childhood and they try and try again, forever repeating the same process.”

Full review at http://www.mentalhelp.net/

Changing the World, One Heart at a Time

This is a pattern that has passed through our human civilisation for generations. When we can recognise it in us, we can be the end of the line for this behaviour, and give the gift of freedom to our children. If we don’t resolve it, our children will get to handle it in our place.

Without wishing to minimise the pain, I believe that:

We all grew up to have a story, and within that story is the roots of everything we are and can be. ….

Perhaps, after all, we chose these families, these races and nations,
just so we could heal it and become the light of the world.

We Are The World on this site

Is This You?

Robin Norwood begins her book with some of the symptoms of the problem, which she calls loving too much.

When being in love means being in pain  ….

when most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings -

when we put all of his problems down to an unhappy childhood and we try to become his therapist …

when we read a self-help book and underline all the passages we think would help him, we are loving too much.

When we don’t like many of his basic characteristics, values, and behaviours but we put up with them thinking that if we are only attractive and loving enough, he’ll want to change for us …

When our relationship jeopardizes our emotional well-being and perhaps even our physical health and safety, we are definitely loving too much.

Getting Help

If this is you, then getting help and support is very important. Robin Norwood’s book is still the very best starting place. It’s whole aim is to give you a programme to work with, to start the process of concentrating on your life and wellbeing, taking the focus off your partner. She enables her readers to see just how bad it has got, as by later stages we have lost sight of how far we have gone off our own centres, and do need help to understand the cycle we are living in. There are affirmations you can begin to use and Robin also recommends support groups, for which she gives guidelines in the book.

On this site you will find articles on Letting Go to Move Forward, …..The Stages of Letting Go, ….. If S/he Contacts You, …..Heartbreak,….. Jeff Allen Q & A on Letting Go and How to Stop Obsessing

Remember, it is not about giving yourself a label, seeing yourself as a victim, or passing back the blame, it is about starting a whole new way of living and being for you. You are always your beautiful essence, just over time it has got very confused. Getting help is a sign of strength, not a weakness. Letting go of pain, expectations and committing to and making choices for your future is still the aim. And please remember, if you are reading the book and find yourself thinking ‘if only s/he knew this, did this….’, it is time to go back and read the paragraph again for you.

Getting Support

There are very cheap 2nd hand versions of Robin Norwood’s book, as well as new at Amazon, and even a Kindle Version so you can start reading within the hour.

Robin Norwood gives an extensive list of other groups and organisations for support, and you can even read these on the viewing facility for the book at Amazon.

Forum at www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much who are also on Facebook  – where you will find a link

Women’s Aid organisations and refuges exist on most continents, for women and children living in violent situations.

http://www.womens-aid.org/ in the United States

www.womensaid.org.uk

www.womansrefuge.org.nz/

the Australian link was behaving badly today, so check on Google.

Please make contact and talk to them, if you are living with violence or where addictions rule your household.

You deserve so much more, even if it is hard for you to believe that right now.